Thee Aaron Ohio Zine

"ANDY WARHOL LOOKS SO SWEET, HANGING ON MY WAAALLLLLLLL"
Aaron Ohio and THEE Horror Squadron

—Liquer Storys

We at THEE Aaron Ohio Zine have an exclusive NEW track by Aaron Ohio’s new band Aaron Ohio and THEE Horror Squadron! It’s called Liquer Storys and it’s our new favorite song! It has no relation at all to Aaron’s old band; Horror Squad’s Liquor Stories. All similarities are completely coincidental.

Lyrics:

WOOOOAAAAHHHHH

Take her straight to the emerrrrgency rooooom!

WOOOOOOAAAAAAAHHHH

The Truth Behind Aaron Ohio Leaving Horror Squad

EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS ONCE HAPPY BAND!

There are many reasons why I, Aaron Ohio left the band Horror Squad. And while I can’t get too specific with their being an impending court case I can tell you this. Horror Squad are bad businessmen. ALL I WANTED was 3 points of album sales, 47 percent of merch sales plus sole writing/producing/album art credit going on into the future. Apparently they don’t think I’m worth that and in turn all of you have to suffer.

The main reason also is jealousy. They couldn’t take that audiences took a liking to me more than them. They couldn’t take that in interviews all the questions were directed towards me, They couldn’t take that fans only wanted me to sign their breasts and not them. They couldn’t take that my Aaron Ohio brand far exceeded the band as a whole.

So with all that. My lawyers are taking action over the use of the name and songs. Be sure to catch Aaron Ohio and THEE Horror Squadron at all the summer festivals. 

BAND REVIEW: The World Is A Beautiful Place & I Am No Longer Afraid To Die

The World Is A Beautiful Place & I Am No Longer Afraid To Die is an emo band that got a 7.8 on Pitchfork. Initially their goal was to have more members than The Polyphonic Spree. A lot of people like this band. I am going to review their whole discography unbiased:

  • Demo - 0/5 Aaron Ohio Oats and 0/5 Aaron Ohio O’s
  • Formlessness 7” - 0/5 Aaron Ohio O’s and 0.5 Aaron Ohio Oats
  • Josh Is Dead 7” - 0/5 Aaron Ohio O’s and 0/5 Aaron Ohio Oats
  • Sssensephiroth 7” - 0/5 Aaron Ohio O’s and 0/5 Aaron Ohio Oats
  • 4’33” CS - 0/5 Aaron Ohio O’s and 0/5 Aaron Ohio Oats
  • Are Here to Help You - 0/5 Aaron Ohio O’s and 0/5 Aaron Ohio Oats
  • Tigers Jaw/The World Is a Beautiful Place & I Am No Longer Afraid to Die/Code Orange Kids/Self Defense Family 4-Way Split 7” - 0/5 Aaron Ohio O’s and 0/5 Aaron Ohio Oats
  • Whenever, If Ever LP - 0/5 Aaron Ohio Oats and 0/5 Aaron Ohio O’s
  • Mixed Signals Comp - 0/5 Aaron Ohio Oats and 0/5 Aaron Ohio O’s

They are able to make zero bowls of Apple Cinnamon oatmeal. And I assure you it has nothing to do with this!

Even though I am THEE Aaron Ohio I am not being biased at all. I moved away from Cleveland so I can’t be biased! I’m just saying if they ever talk bad about my hometown ever again I will Superkick that slide whistle sounding keyboard from California all the way to Lake Erie. 

Seriously I will fight all 15 of them. They play emo music! I can take all of them. They were probably mad the 8th guitarist and wind chime player couldn’t fit onstage at Now That’s Class.

together PANGEA!!!

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together PANGEA at the best DIY venue!!! I want to go back in time and high five the crowd surfing girl!

I love together PANGEA. They are a great band and even greater guys (I’m assuming). When they changed their name from Pangea to together PANGEA I thought it was dumb but it’s grown on me! They probably did not want to be connected to that lame 2 hour Miles Davis song Pangaea.

together Pangea have influenced me in many aspects of my life; To the point of me changing all the contacts in my phone 

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together BARRY is exactly who you think it is. I have friends in high places (together BOBB, together BOOTH, and together BRIAN ADDER are all famous creative people who you do not have the social status to have their number)

It does not stop there I even got a new tatt!

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together FOREVER!

So check out their stuff on Lauren Records. It’s good power pop/garage stuff. You won’t regret it. 

p.s. together BAND GUY is someone whose name I didn’t know at a party who wants to play the greatest DIY venue of all time. I did not tell him I do not have the authority to make it happen but I did not want my cultural stature to seem less than it is perceived.. 

I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: With my new facial hair I promise not to make “mustache ride” jokes. Thank you for reading.

I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: With my new facial hair I promise not to make “mustache ride” jokes. Thank you for reading.

With The Help Of New Sponsors THEE Aaron Ohio Zine is going to FEST 13!

Please welcome our new sponsors BP, the NRA, Rupert Murdoch, and Hobby Lobby!

I am very happy to announce THEE Aaron Ohio will be attending Fest 13 in Gainesville Florida. I can’t wait to see all the great bands this Halloween! This of course could not have happened without the help of our new sponsors! Because lets face it I’m not gonna spend 600 dollars to see like 5 decent bands, 4 of which are my friends.

Unfortunately I am having trouble lining up interviews and segments with bands due to the “controversial” nature of some of my sponsors which I think these lefty bands need to chill out.

J Russ of Signals Midwest declined an interview with us because he is a quote “huge fan of birth control pills because condoms are for amateurs, Fuck Hobby Lobby” 

Red beanie of Masked Intruder said “Why are you contacting us, you clearly don’t like our band” He had a point. 

So if you are a band who won’t mind doing a video interview with us where you have to hold our sponsors products the whole time which includes a BP pump, a gun, and wear a News Corp t-shirt with a Klan hood knitted by fabric from Hobby Lobby please message me!

nickswisewords:

I just realized I’m still mad at thee-aaronohio because in 2011 he told me he didn’t like Against Me! and once he purchased either Searching For A Former Clarity or Reinventing Axl Rose, listened to it in his car, and hated it and threw it out the window.

It was Searching For A Former Clarity. I threw it out my window on the third song. I liked Laura’s voice on Miami but other then that it’s trash. 

(Source: modern-nickball)

RECORD REVIEW: The Menzingers - Rented Worlds

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Stolen from facebook.

WARNING: I did no fact checking. Everything I post is from what I can remember hearing about the band by other people.

The Menzingers are a band from Boston. The guitarist or singer plays in another band with his baby brother called His Hero Is Sinking. I think I like that band a little more. This is like their 4th album.

This is a Jimmy Gomez band which is a genre I made up that I refer to of bands that Jimmy Gomez of Dudes Night likes. 

The songs are cool. They look European in the above picture. 

Is it bad that I was gonna write them off when I found out how popular they are? I googled them and saw they had a wikipedia and actually thought to myself “OH FUCK! THEM!” But I’ve been trying to shake the hater out of myself. I listen to tons of bands that have wiki’s and 45 thousand more likes on fb than my band does.To write them off because of that would be childish. I would be cheating myself because they got some cool joints on here. I give the album 3 Aaron Ohio O’s and 15 Aaron Ohio Oat’s which is enough to make a bowl of Maple Brown Sugar Oatmeal. They get an oat deducted because Menzinger sounds like a racial slur.

Vampires of Love

—You're Beautiful

This is the original song I covered for the 12th and G compilation. It’s caled You’re Beautiful by The Vampires of Love. It is a heartbreaking song.

I Am Addicted To Tinder

Please do not catfish me.

In my never ending quest to spread my brand I have taken to Tinder and have become addicted. So far I have went on two dates one of which where we played Magic The Gathering (it was as interesting as it sounds). I did not have sex with these people because all I care about is getting new readers for the zine. 

I do not stay in contact with these girls. For some odd reason they don’t find going to a dingy warehouse to see bands of a genre they do not care for safe or remotely interesting to them.

To quote the poet Phife Dawg “I’ll find another, cuz I got the crazy game and I’m smooth like butter”

That’s what I tell myself anyway. 

Do I even want a connection with a woman or just to fill the never ending void that my penis creates?